Dave is jobless. Dave was bored. Dave made a maze. In a weekend. From cardboards. In the living room. And he's stuck in the labyrinth. Which is larger on the inside... Dave's girlfriend + some of his buddies try to get him out. Complicated ordeal, because the labyrinth has traps. Some die. Some escape. That's pretty much what we have in this movie: 90% of it is completely absurd. Unfortunately it's a repetitive type of absurd, which gets boring. Besides, it also tries to throw from time to time towards the viewer also some metaphors on which provides also most often the direct interpretation (now, what's the best way to ruin a metaphor?...). To wrap this up - if the trailer gives you a vague impression that you'll get something close to "Cube", well... that's a wrong impression. More likely, the feeling you get after the end credits is closer to the most sloppy movie made by Terry Gilliam (let's pick "Tideland") to which we can add some puerile comic note. And even so, I think the result on that combination might end up better than what we have here...
Yup, I know this is expired. But for late late late night = early morning works, especially since I didn't manage to see "Kung Fu Panda 3" until last week. Bad decision, so I thought it might be a good one to prevent others if there's anybody who has it on his list. After "How to Train Your Dragon 2" this was the second biggest dissappointment coming from DreamWorks. In this episode 3, the panda = Po gets an upgrade from Dragon Warrior to Chi GrandMaster for defeating Kai. I've already said everything, but let's detail a bit ...
Kai is a fearsome ox exiled on the other realm and forgotten ... until somehow finds a way to return among the living. After that Kai starts collecting live spirits into a bunch of green amulets. I didn't get the exact purpose for that, probably a sort of "there can be only one" without swords, just based on some inner energy powered kung fu that absorbs the enemy. Which again it's a bit hard to get how's working, being triggered more or less random during the animated battles (with a timing seemingly more hard to get than a "fatality" in a Mortal Kombat match). What's important is that the process of absorption looks rather non-violent and is also reversible (so .. really, swords and cutting heads wouldn't have worked here). Well, after Kai eviscerates the chi from almost every living creature, he finally finds Po gone for "chi mastering" training to a secret Panda village ("secret" = tourism branding). The final battle follows, and that's it ... you don't want me to "spoil the ending" don't you? (oh yes, we have also a soap-opera involving the two fathers of Po, but let's leave it for now .. maybe there's still somebody who's not yet convinced to give up on this).
Not in a good mood. Guess it shows ...
Rating: 2 out of 5
I had a nightmareish week. And I hoped I can indulge myself 2-3 hours of rest watching the latest Bond. Unfortunately, for me "rest" in the context of watching a movie doesn't mean mental lethargy. I'm expecting something that if doesn't have a very innovative story, is still somewhat engaging or at least doesn't have a script that gets ridiculous once each 15 minutes. That's a generous average estimation ... too bad the movie lasts for more than two hours. Too much to lose more time with the writing. In one phrase, lacking ideas, the brilliant screenwriters (four of them) resurrected the main villain from the '60s-'80s Bond = Ernst Stavro Blofeld, adding to the package a soap-opera side where this guy has some teenage years traumas caused by Bond + of course the trendy topic of evil organization a la NSA that monitors worldwide communications. As we got used in "Skyfall" (which is at least one class better than "Spectre") we have again: stunts that couldn't be done by the mother of all agents in this world herself (at least not by getting out alive wearing the same impeccable buttoned suit), instant hacking of servers + "smartblood" + other IT&C aberrations for artistic impression, and finally the same reasoning Bond applies of leaving bad guys alive so we can re-use the actors in the next fight, or the bulletproof algorithm: "I'm a one man army => I can beat any army" <=> "I'm going alone, walking through the front door in the base of capo di tutti capi and I'll tell him I don't like him. I'm Bond ain't I, and we must have happy end. It's obvious that I'm the one getting out alive from there.". Ok, it's a movie ... You'll tell me "Mission Impossible" has the same problems. Yes, but that accepts it's just fun entertainment, and doesn't try to look like a serious spy thriller, where even simple dialogues sound overly pompous. Do I have to say that besides Christoph Waltz, all cast seems fed up with the part and as eager as you to get to the rolling credits? ...
"Wick" .. "John Wick" .. I think that's the missing cliche left out of the huge pile of them that we have in this movie. A movie that's too long to lose more time checking its duration on IMDb. So let's finish this fast ...
It rains. John Wick, badly beaten, crawls near a wall. Flaaaaashback - well, we actually figure that's a flashback way later. What matters is that it rains. Again. John Wick is burying his wife. Rains harder. A dark mysteriously silhouette shows up under an umbrella. The suspense kills us. For 2 seconds. That's how much time we need to find out that the mysteriously guy has the same job as John Wick (contract killer, if you've seen the trailer should be quite clear), and what he wants is just to present his condolences. John Wick leaves for home. The postman rings. Puppy delivery. A remembrance gift from his former dying wife. Tears (yeah, I know, I have a horrible cold heart). Sleep. John Wick leaves to do some car rounds and to fill the tank. Bad karma. At exactly the same the gas station are three bad guys who want the car (they're Russians .. obviously). John Wick doesn't sell. Not good. The Russians really want the car. And they come for it. But they don't find the path directly to the garage. So they first pass through the living room and beat the hell out of John Wick. They also kill his dog. Big mistake: they don't kill John Wick (unbelievable how many bad guys do this mistake in this movie, it really would've shorten its length). Well, we find out that one of the Russians is the gang leader's son. We also find out that John Wick worked for that gang. And we also find out that John Wick gets very upset if you kill his dog and steal his car ...
We find a lot of other stuff throughout the movie. Like .. the bad Russians never attack simultaneously (except the start beating) in groups bigger than 2 (doesn't matter if they are 14 at one place). Like .. the professional assassins are called by phone to be executed and willingly show up. Like .. the final showdown must happen during a thunderstorm followed by heavy rain. We also find out that the IMDb are sometimes really hard to explain. I also found out that I was unfair with "The Equalizer" = John Wick could get some lessons from daddy Denzel. And we also find out that probably we shouldn't give much credit to a couple former stunt men directing their first movie, based on a script written by a B movies author (and not even many of those). Not much credit, and probably not much time either. So...
For "Dracula Untold" I'll do an exception from the "classic" review format. Let's go for a list:
The advertising for this thing says it's "the most historical accurate Dracula movie" (quote from what I heard).
Vlad the Impaler was sent to the Turks when he was a kid. True fact, it's in the movie (sort of = 1 minute intro).
The "historical accurate" part pretty much stops after Vlad the Impaler was sent to the Turks when he was a kid.
Vlad ruled in Transylvania (can be excused ... Wallachia sounds worse for marketing, and anyway nobody across the ocean has any idea about the difference).
All the Transylvanian population (let's respect the chosen location) could be gathered around "the Dracula castle", or sheltered in the Cozia Monastery (we're gettin' a bit out of Transylvania; let's hope the ruler in the neighboring region, whoever might be - take a wild guess, won't be mad about the trespassing).
This population count explains why Vlad the Impaler didn't have an army. Zero. Null. Void. Only bodyguards.
This population count does not explain where are the 1000 children the Turk sultan asks for and the reason for the war to start.
The lack of army explains why the Impaler visits "the vampire", somewhere in a remote cave, in order to get powers that will allow him to beat to death the Turkish army.
The Impaler beats to death the Turkish army. Alone. Well, in the 2nd kick-ass phase takes a couple vampires with him. But in the 1st kick-ass phase does it solo. Literally - all alone (the 300 of Sparta will turn in their graves of envy if they hear).
In this version vampires have an issue with silver. I can forgive the rest, but this ... Man, really ?!!! Such a lack of consistency ! Vampires are chased away with garlic, the werewolves are sensitive to silver. What the hell ? ...
The Impaler proves climbing skills (before obtaining the vampire flying powers).
There are tarantulas in Transylvania.
This movie is too long for the 92 minutes it lasts.
"Dracula Untold" is the reason why "Equalizer" got last time (hardly) 3 out of 5.
Rating: 2 out of 5 (very hard, guess because was sort of funny ... sort of ..)
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