Dracula Untold (2014)

For "Dracula Untold" I'll do an exception from the "classic" review format. Let's go for a list:

• The advertising for this thing says it's "the most historical accurate Dracula movie" (quote from what I heard).
• Vlad the Impaler was sent to the Turks when he was a kid. True fact, it's in the movie (sort of = 1 minute intro).
• The "historical accurate" part pretty much stops after Vlad the Impaler was sent to the Turks when he was a kid.
• Vlad ruled in Transylvania (can be excused ... Wallachia sounds worse for marketing, and anyway nobody across the ocean has any idea about the difference).
• All the Transylvanian population (let's respect the chosen location) could be gathered around "the Dracula castle", or sheltered in the Cozia Monastery (we're gettin' a bit out of Transylvania; let's hope the ruler in the neighboring region, whoever might be - take a wild guess, won't be mad about the trespassing).
• This population count explains why Vlad the Impaler didn't have an army. Zero. Null. Void. Only bodyguards.
• This population count does not explain where are the 1000 children the Turk sultan asks for and the reason for the war to start.
• The lack of army explains why the Impaler visits "the vampire", somewhere in a remote cave, in order to get powers that will allow him to beat to death the Turkish army.
• The Impaler beats to death the Turkish army. Alone. Well, in the 2nd kick-ass phase takes a couple vampires with him. But in the 1st kick-ass phase does it solo. Literally - all alone (the 300 of Sparta will turn in their graves of envy if they hear).
• In this version vampires have an issue with silver. I can forgive the rest, but this ... Man, really ?!!! Such a lack of consistency ! Vampires are chased away with garlic, the werewolves are sensitive to silver. What the hell ? ...
• The Impaler proves climbing skills (before obtaining the vampire flying powers).
• There are tarantulas in Transylvania.
• This movie is too long for the 92 minutes it lasts.
• "Dracula Untold" is the reason why "Equalizer" got last time (hardly) 3 out of 5.

Rating: 2 out of 5 (very hard, guess because was sort of funny ... sort of ..)